Jun 7, 2014

Important Things to Know Before Becoming a Parent (18 pics )

By on Saturday, June 07, 2014

At some point you will accidentally hurt your kid and you’ll feel like the worst parent ever.
Try not to take it so hard. It happens to the best whether they admit it or not.

Your pet will no longer be your top priority.
You: “When did we last feed the dog?” Spouse: “Dog?”

You will gain 15 pounds.
Kids love to eat ice cream, and what are you gonna do? Let them eat that tiny, 4 ounce kid’s cup without getting a jumbo for yourself? That would just be rude.

You will eat 95% of your meals either incredibly fast or with one hand. Or both.
You’ll basically become a ninja.

When you need something from the baby’s room late at night you’ll be able to slip in and out without upending a feather. 

You will have to sneak candy like it’s a contraband substance. 
If your kid so much as smells chocolate on your breath, you’re screwed.
Kids do and say the funniest stuff ever. It’s pretty awesome.

You’ll be awakened at 2 a.m. to fetch a glass of water only to find your kid passed out when you deliver it. 

The good news, though, is that the water is now totally yours!

Folding kid and baby clothes is torture.
A normal-sized pile of laundry will take you three times as long to fold if it’s full of baby stuff.

You will find talking to your friends without kids more difficult.
Friend: “I met this gorgeous girl at the club last night and we’ve been texting all day.” You: “I changed a poopy diaper.” Awkward silence.

Kids become actual people and not baby blobs way sooner than you think.

By the time your kid is 2, you’ll be having conversations more rewarding than many you have with adults.

Buying your kid something will make you way more happy than buying yourself something.
When your kid is little, every trip out of the house will feel like getting ready to go to the airport. 
You will know a lot less about this:
And a whole lot more about this:
Your Netflix account will eventually only suggest kids’ shows.
"I am a grown-ass person, Netflix! I don’t want to watch Bubble Guppies!”

The backseat of your car will be nasty.
I don’t care how often you wash your car now. Crushed Cheerios, spilled juice, and a whole lot of other crap are in your car’s  

Despite your best efforts, your kids will get their hands on your iPhone. 
And this is what your photos will look like afterward.

Parenting is harder than you think it’ll be, but you won’t really notice.

Kind of like how lobsters don’t notice the water getting hotter, parents don’t notice how increasingly difficult parenting becomes.

You will see your own faults reflected back at you.
It’s sobering when you see your kid imitate your own bad behavior, and it will make you want to be a better person. 


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